Start Of Something New

Well I guess I see how appreciation for sunsets comes in - the soft gradation of hues that can spark warmth inside you, how smoothly and gracefully the sun moves in the afternoon sky, and the reflection of it all illuminating the surface of the waters. It's undoubtedly beautiful and symbolizes the closing of the survival of another day in this crazy world. When the sun sets and the stars come out to play, we'd heave a sigh of relief, kick our shoes off, lean back, and laze in a daze under the darkness.

We wake up the next morning, the sun bright and dandy, ready to embark on another tough day of repetitious activities. Now excuse my sudden random thought but what I've noticed is that it's very seldom that we give that same appreciation that we do sunsets to sunrises.

If the sun setting gives us closure, then doesn't the sun rising gives us a sense of new beginnings? That feeling of rebirth, turning into a new leaf, finding hope you once lost along the way. When I watch a sunrise dawning (lol, pun!) upon me, I see it as the universe giving me another chance for a day better than the previous one - a shot to make things right. Is that weird? Perhaps I'm looking too deeply into the whole concept, perhaps English Lit's close-reading assignments have etched a permanent mark in me hahaha.

What I'm saying, folks, is that you should never let failures bring you and your self-esteem in a downwards spiral. It's already bad enough that you failed, you know? Don't let it discourage you even more, for that would make for another failure. So you screwed up this time, that's okay, you still have tomorrow, next time, next year. Had a bad day? Well your days can't ALL be bad if you don't make it be! The sun doesn't stay down forever...it'll rise again before you know it to brighten the new day :)

And It's Time

HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS! May this year be fawesome, blessed and filled with nothing but lotsa joy and puny obstacles :D Don't allow another "galau" day in your life for it is short and why waste your time on temporary trivial matters?

To make your 1st of Jan be TRULY amazing, watch the video above of my brother and I trying out rave lights for the first time. Hehehe I apologize for the painful retardation as per yush, it was 3 a.m and I was four shots and a cup of wine in :p

Jumping Jacks

I don't know what I'm doing or why I'm doing it but I did it :)

It's now or never, right? I'd rather suffer the consequences now than have to drown in the heavy waters of regret.

Back To Square One

I'm sick of this. This freaking incessant, perpetual, and repititional cycle of mine. How much longer? Please God just tell me that - so that I may have the slightest strength to withstand these twisted guts and choked back tears and sustain this happy pretense.

2011 Nutshell && Lessons Learnt

*Warning: long post with swearing ahead! This is how I talk naturally when I'm not trying to be all poetic like in my other posts so if you're a sensitive prick then go check out my PG-13 paraphenalia instead mwah*

Events are in somewhat chronological order!

This year was a precious one. 365 days (okay I know technically not yet since we're only halfway through with December but bear with me here) of maturity miles and big smiles, painful tears accompanied by mascara smears.

I lived this year and am with no regrets. Yeah, it wasn't the best (omg I gotta stop rhyming my words lol), but I'd give myself a gazillion pats on the back to have pulled through like a fucking boss.

In all fairness, 2010 was a tough year to beat. I fell in love and stayed there... and let me just tell you it was a wonderful feeling. Reading through the pages of my diary, it's like I'm reliving those times as they all come to me in an almost tangible rage. But as I flip through and through, I realized that my penmanship began to mutate. I began to discover love really wasn't a gentle bed of roses, they were right. Love may seem like a harmless sea of crimson red roses that you want to sink in but when you do, you sink then you sink then you sink till you're caught by all those throbbing thorns.

Then you want to get out.

So I got out. It was a rash decision but it happened and I thought I would be free from the manacles of those thorns. But was I really? Idk but all I know is I grew, no, fuck that, I freaking metamorphosed from that experience - my first proper heartbreak. Haha, aaaand that's all I'm going to say about that segment of 2011 :)

Let's see, what else? I had my first proper birthday dinner with 30 of my closest friends in what seemed like forever. The last time I celebrated my birthday was when I was wee-little, seven or eight summers old at most. So you can imagine how uneasy I felt. I guess behind my image of comfortable confidence and slight insanity, I'm just a little bird that fell from the oak tree that wounded its little wing. Did I successfully make you hurl there? :D Wonderpul.

Nobody really knows about this little private party of mine because the only cameras at that time were mine and Enriko's and I strictly forbade him against posting any pictures on Facebook. Here's one polaroid shot of the night though cos I'm one narcissistic bitch and I liked my cake so there:

To be brutally honest although the dinner was special and all, it was no game compared to our aaafftteerrrparty! :D My girlfriends and I went out to this underage club - which is horrid btw - but had the best time anyways. We went wild and had one of the best nights of our lives just ignoring the rest of this bullshit world and its bullshit components. We didn't even consume that much booze hahaha! Whenever some loser boy tried to hit on any one of us I'd literally yell right at their faces, telling them to pissssssss ooofffffffff. I was in a dark, man-hating phase at that time so pardon me k? :D

Ok another substantial event of 2011 would most probably be my drastic change of appearance! See, I've never been comfortable with my looks. I was always too something. Too chubby here, too small there, too big there, too short there, and too fugly overall. I wouldn't say I'm the worst of all cases in relation to self-esteem, for there are some pretty fucked up mental girls out there. But yes I'm a girl and that's what girls do. They pick at themselves and live everyday trying to refine themselves and polish parts that have already been polished multiple times. I fell into society's ideal. Large eyes with hypnotizing irises, sculpted bone structure, neat nose, defined lips and the list goes on.

I noticed some girls at my school would have swollen eyes for about three weeks which eventually turned into pretty, deep-lined, eyelids. Trust me they were pretty before, but my being shallow and all, I thought whatever procedure they did, it made them even prettier. I have always liked how high brow bones and a visible set of deep eyelids gave the eyes more life and 'sparkle'. So I decided I'd ask them what it is exactly that they did to their eyes.

Turns out it wasn't plastic surgery. I'm not too sure what it's called in English but when directly translated from Bahasa Indonesia, it's "eye clipping" aka "jepit mata". It isn't permanent and does not involve surgical knives of any kind but shit that pain felt pretty surgical to me! I'm no expert but what I think she did was FREAKING SEW A LINE OF THREAD ON EACH OF MY EYELIDS. I felt nothing when she did the actual sewing, but when she injected about six shots of anesthesia(?) on the flap of my eyelids, it was like holy mother of God sweet baby Jesus save me. But anyways I endured the pain - three months of bruised, swollen, uglyass, bloody eyelids. Good times, good times.

Before eye clipping:

After four months and completely not swollen anymore!:

No makeup in this picture whatsoever so you can see the eyes clearly.

Ok, I know the change isn't that evident in these pictures but people that have seen me in real life will definitely notice it. Definitely. Everybody says I look like a different person from year to year regardless but I gotta agree, I did change a lot this year specifically!

You can see the line on my eyelid very clearly here.

I also learned how immensely I believe in the natural law of CHICKS BEFORE DICKS. A few months ago, I was put at a crossroad with an indirect ultimatum from my bestfriend. It was my call, she would have supported me nonetheless, whatever that call turned out to be. At first, I was fazed and being the pathetic weakling that I was during summer break, I actually hesitated for a bit. In the end, I chose them, of course. I know nothing must break the bond of trust I have with my friends. I know they're the ones who don't lie about loyalty and will actually go through with their promises. Unlike 99% of the men on the face of this planet, my girlfriends are, ironically, men of their words. They don't whisper sweet nothings like men do, I mean, they are called nothings for a reason.

<34evah for Muhammed :*

Hi reader, are you still reading up to this point? Haha you must be really interested in my unorthodox life or just freakishly "kepo", huh? The more I flip through my memory bank of 2011, the more I realized how inappropriate it'd be for me to continue writing in this post! Oh and not to mention, some events just deserve a blog post of its own ;) #cliffhanger #sparkcuriousity #advertisingtechnique #nowyouwillcomebackformore

I think I've both embarassed and exposed myself enough for a night, one can only reveal so much hehehe. In retrospect, I'm glad to say that I can look back onto this year and wear a smile on my face.

I've freaking lived this year to its ultimate fullest potential sonnn, any more and I'm dead :)

CHEERS TO ANOTHER GREAT YEAR!

Keep Out

Found this saved in my drafts from months ago, I'm assuming just another one of my random passages I neglected to post. I don't think it actually has any personal meaning to me but I forget. Hehe.

I guard my heart well. I keep it behind invisible bulletbroof borders. Over time, over continuous bullshit, continuous dickwads, and continuous pain - those walls harden and grow both horizontally and vertically. During the peak of this state, I feel secure. Protected from the manacles of lust, infatuation, and urgh...love.

My comfort zone is cozy. I tell myself I'm fine with the limited space but deep down I know I'm nothing but a fool. I decide to ignore the asphyxiation coming on to me slowly but sure as hell. It would be at that point in time when loneliness would consume me completely and turn me numb to the core. I still tell myself I'm fine, though I know deep down, I'm just nothing but an ebbing fool.

Then as easy as a breeze, a silhoette approaches. As the figure grows larger and larger, details becoming clearer, I can feel my heart just pounding with anxiety. The walls of my heart constricted even more than I thought possible. They did not permit outsiders' entry whatsoever.

The silhoette is blurry at first. We talk, we laugh. I thought it all fine, my heart is safe secure. It wouldn't go anywhere, this was nothing but innocent guilty pleasure.

Then came that one moment. This moment occurs for every single person. It is when the image of that person suddenly becomes crystal clear. It could be a smile or a laugh, a tease or a tickle, it could be anything really. But at that second, you just knew that you have fallen into the inevitable, you have fallen into love. Shit.

I did not know this but what I thought was harmless fun and casual talk, held a greater power over me. Through every smile you threw at me I could feel that heart sinking deeper, falling more and more in ways that I could not control.

You're a drug, you.

Oh, It Is Love

how much longer do i have to wait? this helplessness, hopelessness. when will i be able to win the fight for that contentment that i so wish to obtain? i know lying to others may be plausible as a way out from glitches but lying to myself? i've had my fair share. i've had enough and i know if i continue candy-coating my true feelings, i'll eventually lose myself entirely - just floating about in a faze.

in retrospect, i realize that i have a mouth that instinctively spits fiction. i'm okay i'm okay i'm okay, i've moved on from that, everything is fine. i hate how i lie again and again, ultimately hurting everybody and benefiting nobody. and all for what? so i feel better about myself? so i'm somehow partly convinced that the world is turning the way it should? this post will pose as my note to self. a long time is how long i've been stuck in clouded thoughts and fabrications of reality. it's time that i stop, gather what little courage i have left, and face my greatest foe - me.

from now on there is no more denying how exactly much i miss you. oh who cares about what people are gonna say about me. it isn't like as if that whole scene has become some routine of mine that i haven't already dealt with three billion times before.

i miss you like the desert misses the rain or like a fat kid on diet misses cake. without you, i'm just... not happy. honestly i'm not and there hasn't been one day that you don't still cross my mind (and resided there).

it's all very pathetic but i'm glad i've finally, finallyyy come into terms with myself and am able to admit that. i love you and i always will - just as simple as that.

though like all other things in life, there is always a 'but'...

but i won't let this feeling of mine take over control. i refuse to give in to my heart because i know that nothing good will happen in the long run. it'd take a miracle for such a delusion to occur.

these are the things i wanted so badly to rid off my chest. now there are no more secrets and i'm an open book. i will move on with 100% honesty and no more hiding behind masks.

100%

You're a part-time lover and a full-time friend. I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you.

I less than three question mark.

The Wants Of Mine

This is dedicated to all the girls out there. I'm pretty positive this is what most females want from love and romance. Enjoy, comment :)

I want someone that seems like he doesn't care but deep down I know he does.

I want someone that can brighten a blue day with the smallest of smiles.

I want someone that doesn't pretend, is real and true to himself.

I want someone who can or tries to understand the reasons of my sometimes unfathomable actions.

I want him to care but never in obscenity but in sincerity. Never for the sole reason of proving to others what a good person he is.

I want him to know that the little details matter.

Sometimes more than the big purposefully heroic acts do.

I want him to be loyal.

I want honesty, even when it hurts.

I want someone that loves me enough to hold my hair and rub my back if I have to puke down the toilet.

I want someone that gives unexpected hugs and kisses.

I want someone that doesn't tell me he loves me because he feels obligated to, but only if he really believes it. I can tell.

I want someone that convinces me that I look fine in my oldest sweats. And means it.

I want someone that tells me straight-on that he doesn't like my appearance that day. Then offer constructive criticism which I may or may not accept. (hehe)

I want someone whom I can shoot witty comments at and get a clever tease right back without the usual stupid blank look.

I want him to be down to earth and not be one of those boys that bring digital cameras everywhere in case they needed to take pictures of themselves. (and if you're one of these ppl, go shoot yourself.)

I want someone that can have fun and try new things.

I want him to be respectful to all religions, cultures, and race as I try to be. Discrimination is a big turn-off.

I want a person who can love others and himself. Who is able to accept differences and adapt to them. Who understands preferences and individuality.

Yet above all, it is also crucial for him to be somewhat good-looking. That's not too much to ask for now, is it? ;)