Oh, It Is Love

how much longer do i have to wait? this helplessness, hopelessness. when will i be able to win the fight for that contentment that i so wish to obtain? i know lying to others may be plausible as a way out from glitches but lying to myself? i've had my fair share. i've had enough and i know if i continue candy-coating my true feelings, i'll eventually lose myself entirely - just floating about in a faze.

in retrospect, i realize that i have a mouth that instinctively spits fiction. i'm okay i'm okay i'm okay, i've moved on from that, everything is fine. i hate how i lie again and again, ultimately hurting everybody and benefiting nobody. and all for what? so i feel better about myself? so i'm somehow partly convinced that the world is turning the way it should? this post will pose as my note to self. a long time is how long i've been stuck in clouded thoughts and fabrications of reality. it's time that i stop, gather what little courage i have left, and face my greatest foe - me.

from now on there is no more denying how exactly much i miss you. oh who cares about what people are gonna say about me. it isn't like as if that whole scene has become some routine of mine that i haven't already dealt with three billion times before.

i miss you like the desert misses the rain or like a fat kid on diet misses cake. without you, i'm just... not happy. honestly i'm not and there hasn't been one day that you don't still cross my mind (and resided there).

it's all very pathetic but i'm glad i've finally, finallyyy come into terms with myself and am able to admit that. i love you and i always will - just as simple as that.

though like all other things in life, there is always a 'but'...

but i won't let this feeling of mine take over control. i refuse to give in to my heart because i know that nothing good will happen in the long run. it'd take a miracle for such a delusion to occur.

these are the things i wanted so badly to rid off my chest. now there are no more secrets and i'm an open book. i will move on with 100% honesty and no more hiding behind masks.

It's pathetic, really.

"We always ignore the ones who adore us, and adore the ones who ignore us."

I am having dreams about you every night. Sometimes they are beautiful, filled with our moments together replayed over and over again, each time the scenes getting better and better. In these I smile in my sleep, I'd even moan gently however kinky that sounds, I can't give a shit. But the majority of the time, I get these nightmares that leave me asphyxiated, waking up in cold sweat. In these I am falling into a pit, travelling farther and farther until I wake up, just in time, before I hit land. Then in others, I simply see you, with someone else. Anyone else but me. It hurts. I can't even begin to describe how these pained me. I love you, but I just can't let you go.

I don't want to sleep. I don't want to have nightmare after nightmare every night of my life.
However on the other hand, there is another slight possibility for me to dream a pleasurable one with just you and me.
It is excruciating.

I miss you.
I miss the memories we share, now nothing but just memories that can never be relived.
I can't stop thinking about you.
Every song would bring me back to the thought of you.
I need to see you!


I AM GOING CRAZY.

2 in the morning.

"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly."

Sam Keen

Goodnight. I miss you.