October 14, 2013

All we had were fragments

Sooooooo it's been a while huh? :p
I haven't posted in what feels like forever! Truth is, I have been active on this blog. It's just that I could never muster enough courage to click the 'post' button and let out my innermost thoughts and emotion for everyone to analyze and judge. I wrote the passage below on the 20th of April earlier this year, it is now October. I've left it to marinate, so to speak, in the list of drafts in my dashboard, waiting for the right time to post it (or never post it). I like to rant to myself then wait it out a few months and see how I have grown since. The emotions that I can still feel from reading my own words are... strong. I am glad to say that I have been able to climb myself out of the emotional ditch that I lowered myself in. I buried myself in the deep hatred and self-loathing that I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now, many months later, I do. I am stronger, stronger to break out of the relationships that were tying me down, stronger to face the world and the continuous challenges that will be thrown towards me, and I feel free :)
I can breathe now.

20 April '13
Two words can sum up my version of this year: downward spiral.
I say "my version" because I look at my surroundings and my family/friends/acquaintances, they seem to be having a blast in 2013. Promotions, new love, new hobbies, new successes. As much as my heart smiles in joy at their happiness, I wonder what happened with mine. My happiness.
Everything that I believed in and that made me genuinely happy turned out to be a lie.

Whatever that has gone right turns out to be nothing more than a contorted version of reality - all in my head. The bestfriendship that I thought would last a lifetime was crushed in one fleeting moment. The person that played a big part in all my good days, turned out to be the same person that would take away the good in all my days. How was she able to smile and joke around with me like she hadn't already done the worst thing imaginable? Scratch that. It wasn't even imaginable, it was too bad of a crime that nobody in their right mind would be able to see it coming. It's one thing when a bad person you don't even know maliciously hurts you, but it's another, when the culprit is none other but your bestfriend, the person you would typically run to for comfort. The person you trusted 100%. The level of disappointment is undescribable and it's a pain I would never wish on anyone, not even on my worst enemy.

As if that wasn't enough, what I used to think was the love of my life, had to take part in the pain. Unexpected was the word. Naive is my name. No matter how sweet the words, and how much I want to believe in them, nothing can make me move on from the bitterness boiling inside me. I can forgive but will I truly forget? I broke down all my barriers and neglected my principles, and for what? To please someone that had no intention of pleasing me back. To satisfy an insatiable cause. Never should've invested that much feelings in us.

1 comment:

  1. First off, todays' spams are amazingly great, for once i thought they were real until i read the whole comment lol.

    Sigh. My 2013 is as bad as yours. I like how you described it as downward spiral for ur 2013. Mine is steep downhill.
    And to end this 2013, as if all the storms and tsunamis arent enough, just like what happened to you, person... close person that i thought was someone i could rely on in my harsh time is building a thin, visible yet robust wall between us. I just cant believe it, after the whole chapters we've passed. After the whole pages we've undergone... it would be lots easier if she built a thick, visible and f****** robust wall.

    Good night and happy new year titan. I hope, i REALLY hope, 2014 will treat us good.