October 21, 2013

1:48 AM - the strangers that change your life

Just got back from Clarke Quay to hang out with some new friends I made within this week. One of them is a man who's so warm and friendly, one of those people that you just wanted to be friends with. Anyway, he is a child psychologist and from what I see, I'm sure he is a very great one at that. He's insightful and empathetic, qualities that are quintessential for a psychologist. Him and I, and our other friends, we talked about our dreams and aspirations over drinks last night at Kudeta. It got to be a pretty deep conversation about what we've always wanted to achieve as kids and up to this very moment. Dreams that were prominent early in life but just slowly dissipated into nothingness... You know the ones. The dreams that you let reality "crush", the dreams that your parents disapprove of, the dreams you gave up on before even trying because you were too afraid of failure.

When it was my turn to share what my dream was, I struggled a little bit telling them. I think this was mostly due to the fact that saying it out loud confirmed that I was not chasing this very ambition. "I have always wanted to take psychology," I said. I went on to explaining how I've always had a pull towards it regardless of the fact that I've never actually taken an official class on it. I also said how I didn't have any idea what my end goal was, whether I'd be working in psychology within a company, or a specialized psychologist for patients, whether I'd be writing a book relating to it, or whatever. I told them how I'm in diploma level studying business management because that was what my dad felt was best for me, what was safe. I agree to some extent, because business is in fact a "safe" ledge for most people, and whatever it is that I plunge into, knowledge in business will definitely come in handy. I'm not saying that I hate the things I'm studying, but I can't say I love it. I do enjoy some of my classes because it's a pretty interesting area to study. However, there's no passion. I could be a great businesswoman one day, but would I be happy doing it? Would the money feel like happiness?

After I told them all of the above, they nodded because I think they understood completely what I meant about parental pressure and neglected dreams. Adam did not say much but nodded. Fast forward a day later, when we were having tea (yes, tea at 12 am) in Clarke Quay with some of the others, Adam suddenly nudged me and said, "hey Titan, about what you said last night, I think you should really pursue psychology." I was, well, surprised and a little taken aback. I asked him why he thought that, what led him to it. He said he could feel that I have a knack for listening and truly caring for what other people have to say. He said I had empathy, which is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another (so like Jasper in Twilight ok bad joke). Then he said, "and when you talked about your dream, it just confirmed it."

I was a little speechless. Adam knows very little about me and I know little of him, but sometimes what a stranger sees is what is true. What is laid out in the open and what is raw. Adam told me he was sure that I'd thrive as a psychologist and that even though I say job opportunities as a psychologist in Indonesia aren't so good, I'd love every moment of it. 'Cos it's not about the money. It's not about the prestige. It's just doing what makes you happy and reaching your full potential as a person.

I'm sitting in the darkness of my living room and I have to be up in a few hours but I really just wanted to pour my thoughts out before I sleep. I am confused about where I'm going in life, but of course, I'm a baby at only 18 years old. But I suppose I'll have plenty of time to consider what I truly want and what path I want to march on. And with that, goodnight to anyone that's reading this, I hope this post has made you think about yourself and I hope you could relate.

*names have been changed lol*

Love, T

1 comment:

  1. Hi Titan,
    Tbh I have been reading your blog since three/four years ago but never had the courage to actually left any comments or send you messages. Well because I am just nobody and you seemed like a pretty and popular girl who does not hang out with people like me. But I realised that I was wrong about you and you seem very nice and friendly too :)
    I think you're really beautiful inside and out (i hope this does not sound creepy to you haha!) But i honestly think you're beautiful and i know you inspired a lot of people well including myself. I don't why I suddenly have the courage to send you this message/comments.. maybe i just want to talk to somebody who i thought might understand how I feel..
    I have to say that i have been through this as well except that I dont have courage to speak up to my parents about what I truly wanted to do. And now I, quite often find myself regretting the choice I could have made.Now I have problems with my weight (i'm overweight), I eat a lot when I stress and I think it's really hard for me to actually change my habit, I find it hard to exercise and I am getting tired of socialising because I just don't have confident about myself anymore. Everytime I went out people will look at me like I am strange or something and honestly i am getting tired of seeing those judgemental eyes (especially when you live in indo) just because I am not skinny and does not wear up-to-date clothes. Most of the times I feel lonely and different because I would rather stay at home in bed with books or movies rather than out with people. Keep telling myself it is okay to be different hahaha. Just wondering how can people manage their time between socialising,work, homeworks, exercise and all that activities in one day? Have you ever find it difficult to managed your time as well? Have u ever felt like life is stressful? And how did you cope with that?

    Well, sorry again for spamming your blog with such story but I just wanted to say I admire you and I think you are beautiful Titan, a few times I tried on to put on makeups after I saw your youtube tutorials (but I guess I am just not talented enough lol) and often you made me laugh with your funny videos!
    Thank you Titan and will be waiting for your next youtube videos!